The quest of organizing and making sense out of my inconsistencies.

5 min read · inspiration ·

The purpose of writing a blog website in 2023

In college, which was an art school, my professors asked us to talk about our artwors in marketing terms. They wanted us to do well in the world, and encouraged us to presentat it in an elevator pitch style. I didn’t like it but it stayed with me. Telling a story, which is an art, and communicating ones ideas clearly or talking candidly about something don’t have to do with each other, mostly. But if you do that for long a enough you will get better at both. At least that was the idea, and twenty years since graduation my bio feels ripe. There is a lot more sense in my biography timeline. It’s a story of a self taught Jazz Musician turning into Art in his mid 20’s then, turning into film editing, then turning into a Software Developer in his 30’s which allows him to develop keen interest in Psychology and Spirituality, move to the country and start a family while the world closed stiked by the epidemic. It really only started to make sense somewhere in my mid 30’s. The entangled and odd parts were still there, but instead of being overwhelmed by the inconsistency, it has become entertaining to me; playful, awesome, funny and sometimes mysterios. Today I feel confident and prepared to unroll my discontinous timelines as a story or a bulletpoint. I usually start with the bulletpoints and move towards the various deeper inner stories if the person shows interest. I have some variation of theme ready, depending on a question and who it gets delivered to. And I take the it as an oppotunity to try to respond candidly to criticism, and fully listen and receive others echoing the vulnerability in that story.

Why such fragmentation in my bio felt disjoited and overwhelming in my 20’s and 30’s but become interesting at the age of 45 is something I am asking myself a lot lately. I feel lucky that the difficulties of dealing with my biography did not drag me down. Being at peace with the feeling of that story reach to a resolution. What is still challages me it to imagine a that elevator pitch into a long form, fully fledge story. It all feels like just a manual one needs to skim throught, an idea for a script without someone who can actually take you by the hand deeper into the story. My current quest feels like a calling I never thougt was mine to begin with, and I might have just been avoiding becuase of deeper emotional turns that took turn maybe even before I was born. But it is here. And it is tickling my fingers as I my fingers breeze through the keys of the keyboard making me aware of clicks wihch is something I never get to experince at work. A written form, that takes one fully onto a flying rug and lift them up to see a bigger rugs and smaller people, is a play on perspectives of the heart that many easily forget once the rug parks and the adventure is complte. Maybe so they just get to integrate how their sense of perspective itself can help in relaing ones dayly woes. The written media, which many mourn the loss of to the hypertextual reality where language had become a reduction and a manual not an elevating poetical humanistic experience is mayb not as lost. Maybe we real less books or non, but we are still thirsty for that magical beloved friend that had gotten dispelled, an old friend that may indeed at the right moment come back ad remind us we are all greatly improved and ready to understand them. A long form story feels like looking at a large canvas and expericing is magical, Almost as hard to put that in writing than to create that in a conversation.

Over the year I noticed that whenever I replay my bio in person I am left with a level of comfort, which goes up when I talk with people who come from a similar background, or have accumulated enought wisdome, and drops when it’s more work related. I feel like that really helps me to collect all the people I speak with and hold my experience with them closly and cherish that, also those with whom it felt unpleasant or discomfortable.

My impression of the engineering summerize my feeling about engineering in particular. So engineering culture has been something that occurs for me as a hard problems that I never thought I needed to solve. In new york city, and san francisco the culture in startup had become a problem of special liasons and never doubted my that culture required me to change my more reserved or creative person, even thought I knew it was going to mean many of the tech culture (and I really mean the hyper productivity and not the old guard IT culture) because whenever I replay my bio, I alway feels more relaxed when the context is more open ended.

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